ONLINE
BOOK

Jesus came to us in our time of need

IGNITED BY TRUTH (CHAPTER 6)
AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY BY KAYLEE TUCKER
(with Karen Burkett)

Kaylee speaks from the heart as she tells of the pain of sexual abuse, domestic violence and depression and how she found joy, hope, peace and forgiveness through the darkness.

Table of Contents

Section I: Beginnings
Chapter One - First Memories (reflections)
Chapter Two - The Comfort of Love (reflections)
Chapter Three - A Summer of Family Love (reflections)

Section II: The Unraveling
Chapter Four - A Living Nightmare (reflections)
Chapter Five - Traumatic Teen Years (reflections)

Section III: A Gradual Awakening
Chapter Six - God's Unending Love (reflections)
Chapter Seven - Drawing the Line (reflections)
Chapter Eight - More Changes (reflections)
Chapter Nine - The Welfare Walk (reflections)
Chapter Ten - Dreams Really Can Come True (reflections)
Chapter Eleven - Forgetting What Lies Behind (reflections)
Chapter Twelve - Jesus-the Only Way (reflections)

Collection of reflections from all chapters red line

CHAPTER 6: GOD'S NEVER ENDING LOVE

When I was nineteen, my sister Mackenzie, told me about a job doing light housekeeping and babysitting for a family living in Palo Alto, California. I went to see them, they hired me and I worked for them for about a year. My responsibilities included working with kids, cooking and cleaning. The job was just right for me and helped me to get better. I had a family to love and care for, a family that really appreciated me. They even took me to Hawaii with them to baby-sit for two weeks. What a blast! A real dream come true. As it turned out, I only baby-sat for one night and the rest of the time was able to enjoy Hawaii as a part of the family. There were clouds even during this vacation, though. Both the father of the children I babysat and the brother-in-law, who was also in Hawaii, made sexual advances toward me. In later years after this couple had divorced, I told the wife what had happened. She was sorry, but not surprised.

My father had left us some money when he died. After the babysitting job ended, my sister Savannah and I bought a house in Los Gatos, California, with our share of the insurance money. Savannah and I became very close. In fact, she still helps me get through tough times by sending me books and cards and calling me with encouraging words.

One especially helpful book Savannah sent me was Even Eagles Need a Push by David McNally. I was struggling through a bout with depression at the time, and working through the questions and exercises in this book made me realize that I had great potential and that God was with me all the time. Consequently, I began working on my relationship with Christ.

As I grew in my walk with the Lord, He gave me dreams, and they began to fall into place. Life was good and I was happy again.

While Savannah and I lived together in Los Gatos, I landed a job as a waitress at Carrows Restaurant and later worked my way up to assistant manager. I even took a train to Santa Barbara, California, to enter into a training program to buy my own restaurant, but was not accepted into the program. I was sicker than a dog that day and walked in the heat of the sun several miles up a hill to the general office. The interview did not go well. I really wanted this job. I began to wonder if God truly had a plan for me. (As the years went by I learned that yes, He does have a plan for me. Sometimes it doesn't line up with my plan, but His plan is always the best.) If I had been accepted, I would have been the first woman to go through the program. The pressure may have been too tough for me and could have broken my spirit. God knew what to do.

While working at Carrows, I met a lot of people. One day I noticed that a man I was serving had a professional looking photo book. He introduced himself as Sunny while I was pouring his coffee. He said he was a photographer and that if I were interested, he would help me put together a portfolio. I'd always wanted to be an actress or a model. He said I would make a great model. Naively, I went to his apartment with him after work to look at his studio; he said he'd take a few pictures of me. When we got to his apartment, he took a few pictures and then he told me he wanted to have sex. I said no and started for the door. He took out a knife, pushed me onto the bed, and held the knife to my throat as he raped me. Even though my life had begun coming together in many ways, I obviously still had much to learn.

Jordon

One day when I was cooking at Carrows, a co-worker said that her friend Jordon wanted to meet me. I cooked his steak rare and his eggs over easy and brought them to his table. Business was slow-it was two in the morning-so I decided to take a break and chat with him for a few minutes. I didn't really like him-thought he talked funny.

Jordon Joel Crawley was a truck driver, and he was taking whites (amphetamines). The next day I went on a run with him to Cloverdale, California. Cloverdale was wonderful-low, bright white clouds, rich blue sky, rolling green hills scattered with black cows and haystacks.

I began falling in love with Jordon when we dropped off the second truckload. It was as though I was seeing him for the first time as I watched him in the side mirror of the semi. He was wearing a black and red checkered shirt and looked so strong and cute.

The next day I was home sleeping because I worked the graveyard shift. Jordon kept banging on my door until I finally woke up. He handed me a bunch of wild flowers he had picked from all over the neighborhood while waiting for me to answer the door.

I was in love

We never separated after that, and we married on June 15, 1978. He moved in with Savannah and her daughter and me. Jordon and I lived together there for about six months, and during that time I got pregnant. I didn't know I was pregnant-thought there was something wrong with my digestive system because I felt sick all the time. I went to a doctor who did an upper and lower GI test, but found no problem. Still I was sick all the time. One month later, I went to a different doctor, and he gave me a pregnancy test and it was positive. I spoke to a doctor and a nurse friend of mine who both said that because I had had so many x-rays, I would give birth to a mongoloid child. I talked to Jordon, and we decided to get an abortion. I went to the abortion clinic and met with the group of girls who were going to get abortions that day. Someone from the clinic talked to us all together. Not one of the other girls wanted to keep her baby, and I do not recall being told we could put our child up for adoption. I wanted to keep my baby, but because of the doctor's prediction that the child could be retarded or a mongoloid, I chose to have an abortion. I cried as soon as they sucked out the baby. I knew deep in my heart that abortion was wrong. If I could go back in time, I would trust the Lord for finances and a healthy baby.

The move to Oregon

When I was twenty, Jordon and I decided to move to Oregon, where one of his brothers lived. Oregon was beautiful, and we met many nice people. I got a good job as an assistant manager at Grizzly Bear Pizza. I loved the people and the town.

I got pregnant again, but lost the baby. I began to bleed profusely and wanted to go to the hospital. Jordon would not get out of bed. I asked his brother to drive me, but he went upstairs to his room and they had a big fight. Jordon finally took me to the hospital.

Jordon started hanging around with some people who smoked a lot of pot. I had not smoked pot since I was about eighteen. We argued because he was never home. One day he came home about two in the morning, and I was furious. I just knew he had been with a girl. He got angry and beat me up severely. The beatings never stopped after that. His anger always resulted in another beating.

For the next five years we had an off and on relationship-breaking up and then getting back together became our regular pattern.

Back to California

Finally, Jordon and I moved back to California to live at his mother's house. We continued moving a lot-sixteen times in five years. My life at that time consisted of beatings, moving, Jordon's gambling problems, our fighting, getting on and off welfare, no money and plenty of bills. Jordon was even growing pot and selling it.

In 1981, during a time we were living with my brother near Santa Cruz, California, our daughter Stephanie was born. But right after I got out of the hospital, we stayed at my sister's Mackenzie's house to house-sit. Their whole family went sailing to Hawaii on a Trimaran Hayden built in their backyard. Later, we moved back to Jordon's mother's house.

Even with a new baby to love, I was very depressed during the months that followed. We lived with Jordon's mom for about a year and then moved to an apartment in Mt. View. I didn't work and was able to stay home with Stephanie.

Yes to Jesus

I had been watching this TV show called the 700 Club after Stephanie was born. I tuned in during my daughter's nap time each day. After almost a year of watching the show and hearing the Word taught and listening to what Jesus was doing in people's lives, I finally said yes to Jesus in May of 1982. My sweet daughter was almost a year old. She was new born and I was born again.

I think it took me a long time to say yes because I just knew God would have me killed because of my terrible past. On that beautiful day in May 1982, Pat and Ben asked the television audience to join them in saying the sinners' prayer. I could barely move my mouth to speak-it was stiff and my voice was deep. Although I was scared, I kept praying. As the prayer ended, I was crying. Alone and weeping, I reached out to the One who loved me enough to die for me.

I was told to call and tell someone about the decision I had made and to ask for the booklet What Now. I remember the name of the booklet because for about a month Ben would say it backwards (Now What). I thought the way he said it was cute because it made him seem like a real person, not a phony.

I called the 700 Club, and they asked me if I would be interested in having someone from a local church come and pray with me. Weeping, I said yes. They mailed me a list of churches in the area. I called one of them, and the pastor came by and prayed with me. Again, my mouth was stiff as I repeated the sinners' prayer. The pastor invited me to church, and I eagerly accepted his invitation.

The church, an Assembly of God, was right down the street from where we lived. I had no transportation at the time, and God provided a church within walking distance! The people poured out their love on me from the first time I walked through the doors. Love abounded, and the Word of God was preached. This was my first church family.

I felt happy inside for the first time in my life-in fact, joy was bubbling out and running all over. I would stroll down the street with my little girl and just smile and sing. I wrote my first song as a Christian to the tune of Captain and Tenelle's "Love Will Keep Us Together." My new title was "God Will Keep Us Together." The words went like this: "When that old devil starts talking you down, don't hang around. Just stop, 'cause God really loves you, stop. He is always thinking of you. Hear with your heart and let his love keep you together, forever."

God brings good from my testimony

Fourteen years later, I wrote to the 700 Club and told them about my life story and how I came to know Jesus through watching their program. About six months later, they called me and said they would like to reenact my testimony. I said, "Yes, praise the Lord!"

The taping crew arrived in Ramah, Colorado, where I was living at the time, in December 1995. The filming took eight hours. Jeff, who interviewed me, and the rest of the crew seemed like a family I had always known. I felt very comfortable reenacting my life in front of them. The filming ended with a beautiful sunset.

My testimony aired during a 700 Club telethon on Wednesday, January 17, 1996, at 8:00 a.m. I went to my pastor's house and watched it with him and his wife. She and I cried during my testimony. It really turned out better than I would have dreamed. The way Terry from the 700 Club prayed afterwards was better than any prayer I could have prayed for the people watching. It was a perfect ending for the testimony.

Immediately after my testimony aired, I had to leave my pastor's house and get to my first housecleaning job. About ten minutes after I returned home from work that evening, Jeff called to tell me that the response to my testimony had been tremendous. The phone lines were jammed with people wanting to accept Jesus into their hearts and lives. He said, "It all happened just like we had prayed at your house before the filming."

I cried with joy. I had finally done something in return for all Jesus had done for me. I had prayed for years to help others. Jesus answered this prayer in a most wonderful way-His way!

Back to the present

Not long after I became a Christian, we were evicted from the Mt. View apartment. I learned that my husband had not been working steadily as I had thought, but was spending a great deal of time playing cards and gambling. It didn't take long until we were so far behind in rent that our landlord told us to leave.

I was too filled with my newfound joy to be discouraged by this turn of events. Somehow I was not afraid-I knew Jesus would help us and shared this belief with my husband. Jordon was a get-rich-quick kind of a guy, and Jesus did not fit in unless He would provide us with millions. The Lord gave us the miracle I was trusting for-He helped me find an affordable apartment right down the road. It was cheaper, but smaller. Who cared? I was in love with Jesus. I could still walk to the same church and continue to be fed the Word of God. Jesus knew I needed to be deeply rooted in the Word in order to stay close to Him and keep my eyes on Him through all the trouble that was yet to come.

I had opened my heart, and the Lord filled it with His joy. This was the kind of inner joy that circumstances couldn't put a dent in! The first real joy I had ever known. And real unconditional love. The Lord is good and full of mercy and love.

God brought me to a wonderful church with loving people in it. I learned that there are people who really care. I finally had a family. There I was baptized and after coming up out of the water, I knew I belonged to Jesus, sealed forever.

" In whom also after that ye believed, ye were sealed with that holy Spirit of promise" (Ephesians 1:13 KJV).

I was in love with Jesus, and continually rejoiced that nothing could ever separate me from His unending love.

REFLECTIONS (Chapter 6)

"Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or are hungry or cold or in danger or threatened with death? (Even the Scriptures say, "For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.") No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:35-39).

My whole life I had searched for love. I wanted someone to love me deeply, but I looked in all the wrong places. I thought if I gave myself sexually, I would be loved in return. That only led to promiscuity and heartache. I had sought acceptance by being willing to do whatever my friends were doing. I had looked for happiness by doing drugs and partying. Again, all the wrong places that led to more heartache, more pain, more problems.

But now I had found true love, complete unconditional acceptance and total joy. And I had found all this in Jesus.

My problems didn't all disappear, but I now had Someone to help me. I asked the Lord many times, "When is my life going to be perfect?" Through teaching, I realized that it had taken my life a long time to get to where it was, and the Lord had to do a lot of untwisting of the knots in my life. My circumstances were still difficult, but the inner joy continued to grow. I still made mistakes and took the wrong path at times, but nothing separated me from the unconditional love of Jesus, and He always helped me get back on track.

If you are looking for love and acceptance . . . If you seek a fresh start . . . If you need help in difficult circumstances . . . I urge you to come to Jesus. He is not an answer; He is the answer. He loves you with a love we cannot even begin to comprehend. Let Him save you, forgive you, heal you, comfort you, encourage you, help you and love you.

"Take no part in the worthless pleasures of evil and darkness, but instead, rebuke and expose them. It would be shameful even to mention here those pleasures of darkness that the ungodly do. But when you expose them, the light shines in upon their sin and shows it up, and when they see how wrong they really are, some of them may even become children of light!" (Ephesians 5:11-13 TLB).

"Only fear the LORD, and serve Him in truth with all your heart; for consider what great things He has done for you" (1 Samuel 12:24 NKJV).

The day following the airing of my testimony, I watched a recorded tape of it. Although Jeff's report about the phone lines being jammed was true, something else struck a nerve. When the narrator spoke of my molestation as a child, she said "brothers." Only two brothers molested me, and I have eight. I panicked and felt eradicated and shamed all day. I felt as though I had brought shame and embarrassment to my family by reporting my past. I felt like the victim all over again because I had reported the truth.

Shame can keep both the victim and the perpetrator quiet. Then if the victim reveals the secret, his or her family might suddenly view the victim as the perpetrator. I guess the moral of the story is "Don't keep secrets." If you are being abused, tell someone before the dark secret becomes so deeply hidden that revealing it is like unearthing rotten garbage that has been buried a long time and stinks when it is uncovered.

However, if it's too late to tell the truth as it's happening, and you have a long-hidden secret of abuse, be bold enough to uncover the truth now. Not with a thought for revenge, but in order to forgive and to allow the cleansing blood of Jesus to wash and heal all wounds.

After three days of serious soul searching and prayer, I knew that I had done the right thing by telling my story. That was God's plan for me. My peace, and the peace available for those around me, lay at the cross. The people who hated the testimony also hated Jesus. Those who loved Jesus, loved my testimony. My testimony was not focused on those who had hurt me, but on the One who healed me. I had forgiven all those who had caused me pain and hoped anyone I hurt could do the same for me.

Truth must be told in order for forgiveness and healing to be complete and God's forgiveness and healing power to be honored. I urge you to pray about how God would have you tell your story, and then step out in faith and do it - in His way and His time.

Go to Chapter 7
Go back to the top of this page

Feel free to email me with any questions / comments at changinglives74@yahoo.com.au
by addressing your email to Kaylee.



red line © Copyright 17 May 2005
Taken from the web site www.changinglivesonline.org
This story is copyright and can not be reproduced without the author's permission.
red line

home | stories | why read the bible | music & poems | a new life | send your story | links | disclaimer
Email us at changinglives74@yahoo.com.au as we would love to hear from you!