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IGNITED BY TRUTH (CHAPTER 2)
AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY BY KAYLEE TUCKER
(with Karen Burkett)

Kaylee speaks from the heart as she tells of the pain of sexual abuse, domestic violence and depression and how she found joy, hope, peace and forgiveness through the darkness.

Table of Contents

Section I: Beginnings
Chapter One - First Memories (reflections)
Chapter Two - The Comfort of Love (reflections)
Chapter Three - A Summer of Family Love (reflections)

Section II: The Unraveling
Chapter Four - A Living Nightmare (reflections)
Chapter Five - Traumatic Teen Years (reflections)

Section III: A Gradual Awakening
Chapter Six - God's Unending Love (reflections)
Chapter Seven - Drawing the Line (reflections)
Chapter Eight - More Changes (reflections)
Chapter Nine - The Welfare Walk (reflections)
Chapter Ten - Dreams Really Can Come True (reflections)
Chapter Eleven - Forgetting What Lies Behind (reflections)
Chapter Twelve - Jesus-the Only Way (reflections)

Collection of reflections from all chapters red line

CHAPTER 2: THE COMFORT OF LOVE

My mother died on February 14, 1964. I was eight years old.

My youngest sister and I sat at the top of the stairs waiting for our dad to take us to the hospital to visit Mom. We had made Valentine cards for her and were anxious to deliver them.

Dad came in and climbed to where we were at the top of the stairs. I remember thinking that he looked sick. But we were laughing, excited about the Valentines, and asked when we would be leaving for the hospital.

"Your mother died this morning at 3:30."

I was in shock. I don't remember anything after that grave announcement until the day of the funeral. Death was an idea totally foreign to me. The only death I knew about was President Kennedy's. He had been shot and killed one year earlier. I remembered the day. It was raining. The boys and I were out back playing in our gigantic yard, making dirt caves and tunnels. We crawled inside for what seemed like miles. The tunnels had curves and turns and dead ends. We heard Mom calling us in and ran into the house where we gathered around the black and white TV and watched a beautiful funeral. I remember Mom saying, "Remember this day. This day in history will never be forgotten."

And now it was my mom who had died. My mom's funeral. How could this be? She had been sick for a long time-four years. Cancer, I had heard them say. But I didn't know that meant she would die.

I have very few memories of my mother. I do remember her pitch-black, unstyled hair and her snow-white complexion . . . her flip-flop thongs that she wore every day . . . her thick arms as they reached up to hang the laundry. But I don't remember me ever being in those arms.

In one memory, Mom was hanging clothes on the line to dry and left to go into the house. My brothers and I were playing on the tree near the clothesline. Suddenly, one of my brothers started to scream and told me to run and get Mom. I looked up at him and was horrified. He was hanging by his wrist on a hook at the end of the clothesline post. I screamed, "He's dead! He's dead!" Continuing to shout hysterically, I ran through the house looking for Mom, but couldn't find her. Apparently she had heard my first screams from where she was in the laundry room next to the garage and was already helping my brother as I frantically searched for her.

I remember my mom's large hospital bed and wanting to climb up onto it and snuggle close to her. I especially remember her in that bed during a visit at Christmastime soon before she died. She gave me a miniature white pillow with a snowman on it and a tiny sculpted bottle of perfume inside. I saved that present for a very long time. This is really the only tender memory I have of her.

I was angry

My mom had left me, and I didn't understand why. How could she do that to my sisters and brothers and me? I was angry and could not forgive her. I would never have a mom. I still do not even know what it is like to have a mother and that makes me very sad.

Only through extensive counseling in later years, did I recognize this anger and what it was doing to me. The anger filled me with so much sadness, and to this day I have to fight the depression it brought. The deep pain affected my inner being and caused me to lash out in many ways for years.

But then I came to know Jesus. He enveloped me in His love. He cared enough to show me that I must accept the truth about myself and the experiences that have caused so much deep pain. The fire of the Holy Spirit's power has purified my inner life so that I now can enjoy a truthful and fulfilled life with Christ. The compassion and love of Jesus have healed me and set me free.

A love letter

Although I have been told that my parents did not get along in their marriage, I want to remember the good times, rather than the bad. For that reason, these love letters written from my mom to my dad are very special to me.

Friday, August 21, 1936

Dearest Ben,

I just arrived at the sanatorium to spend another of those so lonesome evenings. The time is now 7:15 and in 12 and ½ hours, I shall again be home in my little bed; I'll love it! I am not at Colonial Hall tonight but am with Mrs. Seeley at her cottage. It seems that light switches hold much fascination for her--she flashes them on continually. I believe she's a bit queer, if you know what I mean. It's lovely out this evening; I wish I were with you and we could walk and talk together like we use to do so many moons ago. I'm all atwitter, I hope the "little lady" upstairs doesn't get rambunctious. My grandfather's watch says eight o'clock. Assume you are now over at the theater and the newsreel is just being shown . . . do hope the feature is good. It will tend to lessen the pangs of loneliness for "my little boy!" What shall we do tomorrow afternoon; shall we play a bit of tennis and then take a short walk? I'll bring some sandwiches or fruit along (no candy for you).

Mrs. S. has been quiet for some time; I just hope she didn't jump out the window or anything like that. If I had known what it would be like this evening I could have brought some things along to launder and press. I have the entire downstairs to myself, a large living room, library, sunroom, kitchen and a small washroom. In the kitchen is a built-in ironing board and there's a small lingerie iron in the closet-had I known. I don't intend to do any reading this evening or in the morning, I'd rather not over task my eyes. I trust your hay fever isn't causing you a good deal of discomfort.

It's now ten minutes of ten; just finished drawing the curtains together in the sunroom. I felt as though all eyes were upon me; I was given permission to lock the doors, but I'd rather leave them open, feel more at ease. I just made a strong pot of coffee, thought it would serve to keep me vigilant, I doubt if I really needed it, actually I'm afraid to go to sleep.

Saturday nite I'm going to have Miss Felt, in Duplex 4. It will be much nicer. She treats me as her guest, and I'm anxious to see her fashion magazines.

The stillness of the night is rather pressing. The crickets only add to the solitude.

An automobile just stopped in the driveway and the radio is sending forth my theme song "Alone." It isn't permissible for cars to drive in at so late an hour the time is five of eleven-I wonder who it is!

Do you like the new arrangement in your department better than formerly? I dare say there are girls on all sides, not that I am envious. I have you in the evenings. I am content. I know we are together in spirit if not in person. I do hope this situation won't last indefinitely. I hate being separated like this. This letter isn't very cheery is it? But I can't help loving you and wanting to be with you.

Always,

your very best girl,

Nicole

April 7, 1942.
Wood, Wisconsin

Dear Ben,

This is your first day away from us, and I've been thinking about you so much wondering how everything has turned out so far, I thought I would write! We, Taylor, Mackenzie and I, miss you already. I'm confident you will make a success of your new position and I want you to know how proud I am of you. Do you remember when we were first married, how we talked about the day when we would show everyone that you could get somewhere. I thought of all that last night when you left. By the way, you looked great in your new coat, etc . . . Taylor has been playing trains all day, and they are all headed for Ohio. You should hear him say Cincinnati!

Please take care of your health, eat sensibly, rest, and take walks. Remember nothing is important unless you have health. Getting down to business, there is something I want you to do. Will you please send me an itemized account of all your expenditures, and I will do the same; we can call it cooperation. Taylor and Mackenzie are both fine, and please don't worry about us. Tell me everything in your letter as soon as possible and remember that I love you very much. Always, your wife,

Nicole

Your father sends his love and best wishes and he says he's proud of you. He misses you too! Spend the evenings improving yourself. It's a fine time. I'll write you soon.

Nicki XXX (1 from each)

April 12, 1942.
Wood, Wisconsin

Dear Ben,

It has been nearly a week now since you've been gone; how does it seem? Do you like your work? I know it will be a tough grind at first, because that's the way it is with anything new, but you'll win out. Mackenzie is sleeping; we are all fine, but it doesn't seem like home without you. I'll be so thrilled when the time comes for us to join you, and we have a little place of our own again. Have you had a chance to look around Norwood as yet? I would like to come down there in about a month but if you say no I will be agreeable. Taylor said I should tell you a "deer story" and also "he is a good boy." Our baby is really walking good now. She looked so sweet today. We've had quite a surprise here in the home. Colonel Pearsall has announced that he is resigning here the first of May and is going to Kansas City to take over management there. Your father feels badly about it; it was such a jolt. We don't know who is taking his place as yet. The war situation doesn't look very good, does it? Several of Jack's class- mates have been killed in action the last few days. I paid off the radio and silverware. I would like to get Taylor a bed but perhaps I should wait until we come down there. I noticed a bare place where my picture used to be and it made me very happy to think you wanted it. Taylor is pestering me and won't let up so I think I will close for tonight and I will write you real soon.

The mistakes are all due to him; he's so full of mischief.

Lots of love from

Nicki & babies

XXXX

I treasure these letters because they show a side of my parents' relationship-and my mom-that I never observed. Even though their relationship apparently deteriorated in later years, it blesses me to know that the earlier years of their marriage were filled with love and happy times.

REFLECTIONS (Chapter 2)

And "don't sin by letting anger gain control over you." Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a mighty foothold to the Devil" (Ephesians 4:26-27).

"You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others" (Colossians 3:13).

I carried anger from these childhood years for a long time. Even though I didn't recognize the anger within me for many years, it had a profound effect on my emotions, on my self-image and on my behavior. I truly believe that God wants us to walk in forgiveness because Jesus first forgave us, because He said to forgive others so that we might be forgiven and because as one of His, we are to walk in love. I know that He does not want us to walk in unforgiveness. Unforgiveness can cause sadness, depression, and spiritual, emotional and physical illness. Holding on to anger can give the devil a foothold in our lives.

I urge you to ask God to reveal to you any anger and any unforgiveness that you may be harboring. With His help, release the anger and bitterness. You might be carrying the weight of unforgiveness from something that happened years ago, or something that happened just yesterday. Let it go. Ask Jesus to replace it with His love. Ask Him to heal the hurt. He did it for me, and I know He will do it for you.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:37-39 NIV).

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Feel free to email me with any questions / comments at changinglives74@yahoo.com.au
by addressing your email to Kaylee.

red line © Copyright 17 May 2005
Taken from the web site www.changinglivesonline.org
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