ONLINE BOOK

IGNITED BY TRUTH (CHAPTER 11) AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY BY KAYLEE TUCKER (with Karen Burkett)

Kaylee speaks from the heart as she tells of the pain of sexual abuse, domestic violence and depression and how she found joy, hope, peace and forgiveness through the darkness.

Table of Contents

Section I: Beginnings

Collection of reflections from all chapters

CHAPTER 11: FORGETTING WHAT LIES BEHIND

Done deal, end of story. The past will no longer hurt you. This is what everyone says, but it is so difficult to forgive. So many times I have tried to write this chapter on forgiveness. I have asked God to guide me so that what I write will make sense. I pray that if you are struggling to forgive someone who has caused you pain and suffering, the Lord will use these words to help you.

My first step in this process was asking God to forgive me for all the hurt and pain I caused in other people's lives. Through many years of depression, I finally came to the knowledge that I had not forgiven my two brothers, my first boyfriend, my first husband . . . or God. I was angry with God. I blamed Him for allowing so much hurt and pain in my life. I yelled and screamed at Him about all the anger inside me. God's response? He loved me and showed me each person I needed to forgive. I learned that I had many people to forgive-so many it seemed overwhelming.

For years, I asked Jesus daily to help me to forgive and to love more. The more I asked Him to help me forgive, the more He showed me who and how to forgive. He gently led me on a path of forgiveness and healing . . . now I can honestly say that I have forgiven all of the people who have hurt me.

Instead of taking on the whole task at once, I began to work on forgiving one person at a time. Just like cleaning a house-one room at a time. I asked Jesus to bring to my mind the person I needed to forgive first, and He did. And then the next, and the next.

Jesus gave me the power to forgive. Each time, I experienced a loving conviction to forgive. The actual process varied from person to person. I would write my thoughts of forgiveness down. Sometimes I would mail a letter to the person I had just forgiven. Sometimes I would call him or her.

As I truly forgave each person, with God's grace, the tears flowed like rain, cleansing my soul. My eyes and the tip of my nose burned and a lump as large as a walnut formed in my throat from silent crying. Forgiving others helped me mentally and eased my pain. The more I learned to forgive, the more joy filled my heart. I stopped crying in pain and started crying for joy. I knew with full assurance that God's love was real. He did care for me. And when I cast all my cares, even the little tiny ones, on Him, He restored me. The process was long. Joy came at the beginning, but daily I had to work on being a better person. Now when new hurts and pains come into my life, I am able to forgive very quickly. The joy in forgiveness is healthy and filled with love. People now tell me I have the ability to love the unloved and the unlovable. Jesus gave this gift to me and I give Him all the glory. Hold God's hand through the process

During this process of forgiving those who had hurt me, I realized it really didn't matter what was going on in their lives at this point. Did they deserve my forgiveness? Had they straightened out their lives? The answers to those questions had no bearing on what I was to do. I only had to be concerned about what was going on in my life. I was doing my part to be healed. I was free from the burden of sin, and now I was able to release others for the pain they had caused in my life. I could only do this with God's help. He is so good.

"You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees" (Psalms 119:68 NIV).

God's desire is for us to ask Him for forgiveness and to receive His love and forgiveness. Only then can healing begin. I used to tell myself-and others-that I couldn't forgive. "It hurts too much. I hate too much. I want them to hurt and to pay them back for all the pain they caused me. I want justice and I want it now. I will never forgive," I declared.

You see, I didn't know how to forgive, because I had never asked Jesus to forgive me. During those years of hopelessness, I had no desire to forgive anyone who had caused so much pain in my life. The pain was so great that I stuffed my feelings inside and became severely depressed. Depression led to numbness-I had no feelings of any kind. I would sit in my room or on a neighbor's couch in front of a television set, staring and thinking only of death. I could hardly lift my eyes upward when someone would speak to me. Then one day I started laughing and couldn't stop-I was having a nervous breakdown at the young age of fifteen.

The doctors put me on heavy medication. I would just nod my head and pretend that I heard what they were saying. The truth is, I never heard a word the doctors or my family or friends were saying. I was in my own private world, listening to my negative thoughts of what a loser I was and how there was no hope for me in the future. Things would never get better. The future looked hopeless, and it seemed as if no one cared-not even me.

I never had the guts to pull a trigger with the barrel aimed at my head-it would just be too messy. And the thought of a messy knife would to my wrists only made me think, How could I leave such a mess? I thought of running my car into a tree, and then thought, I better not; what if I live? I didn't want any more pain. I didn't want to hurt ever again. I wrote a song to Jesus asking Him to "Take me in a dream. Don't let me go on like this. I'm too afraid to die as I lay awake. Take me in a dream of your love."

To this day, I struggle with wanting to die and go to heaven. I just pray it through until the feeling goes away. The key word there is feeling. So many of us judge the day by feelings. But God wants us to pray the day through with faith.

I do want Jesus to take me home to heaven. This is my final goal. I still get very angry at injustices in the world-people getting off for murder, children being abused and molested, and innocent people getting a life filled only with pain. It seems to me that people who care hurt the most. The more you care, the more angry you become because of the injustice, and you end up being one of them, one of those persons you criticized. "If it feels good, do it," "me first" and "do unto others as they did to you." I have a new motto I would like the whole world to adopt: "Do the right thing, not because I said it, but because Christ died for it." ,h2> Trust God I encourage you to trust only God and His Word with your life. There IS hope. The Bible tells us not to give up. The hope of justice will come when Jesus returns. God does not lie. His Word is true, and justice will prevail.

"It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man" (Psalms 118:8 KJV).

"Even as I have seen, they that plow iniquity, and sow wickedness, reap the same" (Job 4:8 KJV). "Surely the day is coming; it will burn like a furnace. All the arrogant and every evildoer will be stubble, and that day that is coming will set them on fire," says the LORD Almighty. "Not a root or a branch will be left to them. But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall. Then you will trample down the wicked; they will be ashes under the soles of your feet on the day when I do these things," says the LORD Almighty" (Malachi 4:1-3 NIV).

" Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day" (2 Corinthians 4:16 NIV).

Because of the years of abuse and taking anti-depressants, I have endured weight problems, severe depression and stress. Because of my inability to think clearly, I was not able to continue my education for a better job. I experienced hate and rage. It seemed the more I hated the person who hurt me, the more pain I relived each day. I couldn't stop thinking about the ones who hurt me and ruined my life. My mind constantly played the blame game.

The pain I lived through caused me to make some very poor choices of husbands. I was attracted to the wrong men, the tough guys with problems. My history of abuse had created in me a personality of wanting to be a people pleaser, to fix everything in all people's lives. But now I realize I could not fix my husbands; in fact, I cannot fix anything. I can be a gift to others, but NOT their Savior. (I do believe that because I came to like myself after Jesus cleansed and healed me, I was able to see that Addison loved me not because he was weak, but because he was secure with himself.)

When Jesus came into my life, He was all I could think about. I wanted to be right up next to Him sharing all my thoughts and telling Him my deepest pains and my secret thoughts. I kept nothing from Him. Why? He knew all my thoughts anyway.

This freedom to tell all brought joy into my life again. It enabled me to think clearly again. And I was able to love for the first time.

Sometimes I relapsed into feeling as though Jesus was not near me and that He hated me and I was on my way to hell again. But Jesus hadn't failed me. I had strayed through sin and failed to sustain my relationship with Him. I started listening more and more to secular music and spending time with people who only mentioned God's name when they were swearing. I searched for a "quick fix" by seeking the power of the Holy Spirit. It took time for me to get straightened out. I think Jesus wanted me to walk in the valley without sensing His presence for a while to build and strengthen my trust and faith in Him. The Word of God was all I needed-not supernatural manifestations. All I needed was the powerful Word of God sown deep into my heart so that only the best fruit would spill out from my life.

I had wrestled with God and myself for thirty years, agonizing about why bad things happened to me. I was filled with rage and anger. I could not accept the fact that I would never have a mom, a loving dad, one husband. These are the only dreams I had ever wanted in life and I did not get them from God. It seemed so simple for Him. I kept wondering, Why, God? But then when I finally learned to embrace God, I found peace. I finally came to understand that peace was not about accomplishing great things or having good parents or a good husband. My peace was found only in keeping my mind on Jesus and on what He did for me. Then the pain and confusion were finally gone-replaced by His peace.

REFLECTIONS (Chapter 11)