A letter from his ex-wife sent Tony spiraling into thoughts of murder and suicide but God intervened …
A troubled youth
At the age of 12, I held up and robbed a gas station and the police caught me the next day. However, I did not feel the full force of the law and 'my hand was only slapped' because my mom knew the police officer. At the age of eighteen, I robbed a Catholic church with the help of the altar boys. I have done just about every horrible sin. I was in a correctional centre for assaulting police and for drawing a policeman's gun. I was totally high on drugs at the time.
Falling back into old habits
I went to church with my mom who had been praying for me for years. I stood next to his lady who radiated the love of Jesus. I wanted that! I gave my heart to Jesus and went out telling everybody about Jesus! But I continued hanging round the same old crowd (drug users and criminals) and it wasn't long before I fell back into my old habits. During my teenage years I struggled with thoughts of suicide. Over the years, I should have died at least 3 times but God had his hand on my life.
Divorce, drugs and depression
After my first marriage had ended in divorce, I moved back to Maine with just a hand full of clothes. I lost my son, my home and everything that I worked for. The year was 1980. I began getting depressed because I missed my son. Eventually I couldn't find him because my ex-wife was hiding him from me. I began buying grams of cocaine from the pimps up town and started shooting cocaine into my veins. One night, I mixed two grams of cocaine with black beauties (speed) and all of a sudden my heart was beating irregularly. I felt like I was going to die.
Overdoses / missing my son
I handed my remaining drugs to my friend and started walking to the hospital. This was around 5:00 a.m. in the morning. I passed out cold somewhere on the street. I was picked up by somebody and was taken to the emergency room. My eyelids were fluttering uncontrollably and my body was shaking in convulsions. It was around 9:00 p.m. that night before I regained consciousness. The doctor wanted me admitted to the psychiatric ward but I convinced him that I wasn't suicidal but was just suppressing the pain of missing my only son. Many times before I overdosed I would go to the bars after shooting up cocaine. After I came home, I would look at my son's picture and start weeping. Then, 'high as a kite', I would walk outside with my pistol and begin shooting seagulls off the roof in the 'wee' hours of the morning. Most people would have died from these overdoses, but God spared me because he knew that I would come to him in the future.
'Cleaning up my act' and trying to help others
I started cleaning up my act … no drugs just alcohol. I worked uptown as a bouncer. One night, I was trying to help this 18-year-old boy who was getting mixed up in a bad crowd. I told him to come with me so I could help him. We got pretty drunk at my pad near the railroad tracks. We were walking to get my girlfriend but he couldn't stand up so I told him to sit on the stairs of a business and that I'd be right back. However, when I came back with my girlfriend he was gone. I figured the police had grabbed him or he had got up and left.
Having to take a lie detector test
When we were getting ready for bed, I noticed police, ambulances and lights flashing but I didn't think anything of it. The next day I went into work and people told me that this young boy was dead. I said, "That's impossible. I was with him last night." They said the police were looking for me! I went to the police station and told my story. I ended up taking a lie detector test and they believed me and let me go. The young boy I was trying to help had stumbled onto the railway tracks while trying to find my apartment. A train struck him when it couldn't stop in time.
Taking time to heal
My spirit was crushed! I tried to help this guy but he ended up dying. It took awhile to heal from this tragedy. I got a job at that hospital where I was taken when I overdosed. I met my present wife there.
Thoughts of murder and suicide
In 1991, my world was going great! I was upper middle class, a supervisor at the post
office, paying everything in cash, owned a beautiful home and had a beautiful family. But then I received a letter saying that I owed $33,000 to my ex-wife for child support. I became very angry. My world was caving in! I decided to kill my ex-wife. So I bought a gun and practiced in a mirror. Then I thought of my family. I thought about all the hurt that I had already caused. I became very deeply depressed. Finally, I decided to end my own life. My wife was working and I put my two young daughters down to sleep. I proceeded to write a suicide note.
"Pick up the bible!"
After I finished the note, the thought of "pick up the bible and start reading it!" came to my mind. I was thinking, "Where did that come from? I haven't read the bible in years." I opened the bible and I don't even know what I read, but immediately the depression lifted and I knew what I had to do. I cried out to Jesus to come into my heart. When my wife came home from work she started crying when she saw the note but I told her to wait as I now had good news. The good news was that Jesus had just come into my heart. I asked her if she wanted to accept Jesus and she said yes!
God changed me … He can change you also!
Over the years, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts but now God is helping me to walk in
holiness, purity, and righteousness. My passion is to tell others about Jesus. I have been to India speaking in churches and in a leper colony about the good news that Jesus died for our sins and rose from the dead and that we can find forgiveness and eternal life through Him. After crying out for so long for the Lord to use me in a greater way, the Lord has blessed
me with my own radio program on a secular radio station in Maine. I play Christian music and present the gospel.
So, if God can change me He can change and heal anyone! Please pray for my radio ministry entitled "Last Days Ministry".
I appreciate salvation!
Thank you Jesus!
Tony
"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4).
