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REFLECTIONS FROM 'IGNITED BY TRUTH' AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY BY KAYLEE TUCKER (with Karen Burkett)

Kaylee speaks from the heart as she tells of the pain of sexual abuse, domestic violence and depression and how she found joy, hope, peace and forgiveness through the darkness.

"And now, brothers, as I close this letter, let me say this one more thing: Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about" (Philippians 4:8-9 TLB).

I have a choice. I can focus on my parent's neglect and their failure to demonstrate their love to me during these early years of my life. Or I can focus on the good, loving, caring people God placed in my life. I have chosen to focus on the good. This is God's way. This is the way that opens the door for me to experience His peace.

Dwelling on the negative can led to depression, unforgiveness and bitterness. Dwelling on the positive lifts our spirits, opens our eye to the love of Christ and fills us with peace and thanksgiving.

Are you facing this choice? I urge you to "think about all you can praise God for and be glad about." Only then can you truly know His peace.

And "don't sin by letting anger gain control over you." Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a mighty foothold to the Devil" (Ephesians 4:26-27).

"You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others" (Colossians 3:13).

I carried anger from these childhood years for a long time. Even though I didn't recognize the anger within me for many years, it had a profound effect on my emotions, on my self-image and on my behavior. I truly believe that God wants us to walk in forgiveness because Jesus first forgave us, because He said to forgive others so that we might be forgiven and because as one of His, we are to walk in love. I know that He does not want us to walk in unforgiveness. Unforgiveness can cause sadness, depression, and spiritual, emotional and physical illness. Holding on to anger can give the devil a foothold in our lives.

I urge you to ask God to reveal to you any anger and any unforgiveness that you may be harboring. With His help, release the anger and bitterness. You might be carrying the weight of unforgiveness from something that happened years ago, or something that happened just yesterday. Let it go. Ask Jesus to replace it with His love. Ask Him to heal the hurt. He did it for me, and I know He will do it for you.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:37-39 NIV).

"It is far better not to say you'll do something than to say you will and then not do it" (Ecclesiastes 5:5 TLB).

One thing I learned during summer with the Gibsons was to keep my promises. When my cousins followed through on their promise and sent me a prize, I thought about how good that made me feel. I determined in my heart to always follow through on whatever I promise to do for someone. To this day, I am committed to keeping my word.

We shouldn't give our word lightly or carelessly. Sometimes when people are pressing us for a commitment or promise, it is tempting to agree to their request just to keep them quiet. As Christians we need to seriously and prayerfully consider our commitments and promises-and then follow through. If we don't, we hurt or disappoint people who are counting on us. We betray their trust and give a poor testimony. And, most important of all, we fail our Lord.

"Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing" (Proverbs 12:18).

Aunt Marcell often said, "Whatever you do, do it with love and you will never fail." And then she loved us through everything she did-with her praises, with her actions, with her support, and even by teaching us a sense of responsibility. Her kind supportive words made me feel good about myself. In later years, I would try to remembering her words of love whenever I was being attacked by negative, accusing voices that declared I could never do anything right.

Today I am a grandma (Nana) and every time I call my granddaughters on the phone, I tell them how much I love them and that they are my beautiful special princesses. I truly believe that these few words will have an affect on their feminine personality and self-image.

Kind, supportive words spoken to a child can affect that child for life, building a strong self-image and developing character. On the other hand, negative words ("Why can't you ever do anything right?") can damage a child for life.

The same is true of adults. The tongue is such a powerful tool. With words, we can cut and discourage and hurt those around us. Or we can encourage, and build up and heal. It's our choice-and it's a choice we have every day. With our spouse, our children, our neighbors, our boss, our co-workers, the person serving us at a restaurant.

How have you used your tongue today?

Mood disorders

During my hospitalization and in the years since then, I have tried many anti-depressant drugs-all with terrible side effects. The worst side effect was weight gain. Even now, I am fat and get depressed. Thanks to my husband Addison's encouragement, I found a natural solution by eating right and exercising. I also started taking a natural supplement that works for my depression. If you suffer from mood disorders, I would like to recommend a book that helped me: The Mood Cure: The 4-Step Program to Rebalance Your Emotional Chemistry and Rediscover Your Natural Sense of Well-Being by Julia Ross (http://www.moodcure.com).

Jesus can bring you peace

"I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid" (John 14:27 TLB).

I was plagued by fear. I never thought I would live a long life and thought about death all the time. In my thirties during a counseling session, my counselor asked me to choose between death and life. I chose life. Saying these words out loud to a witness began a wonderful healing process.

Because of all that had happened to me, because of the wrong choices I had made, and because I had chosen to walk in sin and rebellion. I was afraid of being rejected, of being unloved, of not being in control. I was afraid of living and afraid of dying. Praise God that He loved me through all this, that He brought people into my life to help, and that He used even the most difficult circumstances to guide me into truth.

In this verse from the Gospel of John, Jesus gives us such an awesome promise-one that He has demonstrated so fully in my life. He promises peace of mind and heart, freedom from fear.

Are you walking in fear? Are you stressed out most of the time? Do you sometimes feel as though you can no longer handle life? After years of torment and struggle, I finally turned to Jesus for the answer. And He gave me peace. Peace that the world cannot take from me. Peace that lasts through every circumstance. As long as I keep my eyes on Jesus and trust in Him and His way, I walk in peace. And you can, too.

No matter what you've been through, or what you've done, or what is happening in your life right now, Jesus can fill you with peace. His kind of peace. The kind that lasts.

"May God, the source of hope, fill you with all joy and peace by means of your faith in him, so that your hope will continue to grow by the power of the Holy Spirit" (Romans 15:13 TEV). "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7 KJV).

"Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or are hungry or cold or in danger or threatened with death? (Even the Scriptures say, "For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.") No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:35-39).

My whole life I had searched for love. I wanted someone to love me deeply, but I looked in all the wrong places. I thought if I gave myself sexually, I would be loved in return. That only led to promiscuity and heartache. I had sought acceptance by being willing to do whatever my friends were doing. I had looked for happiness by doing drugs and partying. Again, all the wrong places that led to more heartache, more pain, more problems.

But now I had found true love, complete unconditional acceptance and total joy. And I had found all this in Jesus.

My problems didn't all disappear, but I now had Someone to help me. I asked the Lord many times, "When is my life going to be perfect?" Through teaching, I realized that it had taken my life a long time to get to where it was, and the Lord had to do a lot of untwisting of the knots in my life. My circumstances were still difficult, but the inner joy continued to grow. I still made mistakes and took the wrong path at times, but nothing separated me from the unconditional love of Jesus, and He always helped me get back on track.

If you are looking for love and acceptance . . . If you seek a fresh start . . . If you need help in difficult circumstances . . . I urge you to come to Jesus. He is not an answer; He is the answer. He loves you with a love we cannot even begin to comprehend. Let Him save you, forgive you, heal you, comfort you, encourage you, help you and love you.

"Take no part in the worthless pleasures of evil and darkness, but instead, rebuke and expose them. It would be shameful even to mention here those pleasures of darkness that the ungodly do. But when you expose them, the light shines in upon their sin and shows it up, and when they see how wrong they really are, some of them may even become children of light!" (Ephesians 5:11-13 TLB).

"Only fear the LORD, and serve Him in truth with all your heart; for consider what great things He has done for you" (1 Samuel 12:24 NKJV).

The day following the airing of my testimony, I watched a recorded tape of it. Although Jeff's report about the phone lines being jammed was true, something else struck a nerve. When the narrator spoke of my molestation as a child, she said "brothers." Only two brothers molested me, and I have eight. I panicked and felt eradicated and shamed all day. I felt as though I had brought shame and embarrassment to my family by reporting my past. I felt like the victim all over again because I had reported the truth.

Shame can keep both the victim and the perpetrator quiet. Then if the victim reveals the secret, his or her family might suddenly view the victim as the perpetrator. I guess the moral of the story is "Don't keep secrets." If you are being abused, tell someone before the dark secret becomes so deeply hidden that revealing it is like unearthing rotten garbage that has been buried a long time and stinks when it is uncovered.

However, if it's too late to tell the truth as it's happening, and you have a long-hidden secret of abuse, be bold enough to uncover the truth now. Not with a thought for revenge, but in order to forgive and to allow the cleansing blood of Jesus to wash and heal all wounds.

After three days of serious soul searching and prayer, I knew that I had done the right thing by telling my story. That was God's plan for me. My peace, and the peace available for those around me, lay at the cross. The people who hated the testimony also hated Jesus. Those who loved Jesus, loved my testimony. My testimony was not focused on those who had hurt me, but on the One who healed me. I had forgiven all those who had caused me pain and hoped anyone I hurt could do the same for me.

Truth must be told in order for forgiveness and healing to be complete and God's forgiveness and healing power to be honored. I urge you to pray about how God would have you tell your story, and then step out in faith and do it - in His way and His time.

"The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me from violence" (2 Samuel 22:3 KJV).

When I learned that I had married a child molester, I was so upset. How could this have happened? I was a Christian. I went to church, read my Bible and prayed. And yet, as I prayed for answers, I realized that I had stepped out ahead of the Lord. I saw something I thought was good to do and didn't wait on the Lord and seek His plan. And so I reaped the consequences.

So many times actions and decisions that seem good to our human eye are really not the best for us. God's plan is always best. And even though we sometimes feel as though He's taking forever, his timing is always best.

My experience shows that those who plant trouble and cultivate evil will harvest the same. Job 4:8

I have had many difficult, even devastating, times in my life. For years, I fought and rebelled against God and His ways. And then I blamed Him when things went wrong. "Why me, God?" was my favorite verse.

Some people think that when they become a Christian, they won't have any more problems. Wrong! In the first place, we reap what we sow. Thanks to the price Jesus paid for our sin, if we receive Him as our Savior, we do not reap the eternal stay in hell that we deserve. Instead, we are forgiven, covered by His blood and His grace. But while we are here on this earth, we do reap the natural consequences of our sin and our foolishness.

Even as Christians, we make wrong choices, commit sin and often get ahead of God's plan for us. If we repent, he will forgive and cleanse us, but we will usually reap the natural consequences of those errors. For example, I believe I got out of God's will when I married Evan. God forgave me, but there were natural consequences that included my daughter being hurt, my heartbreak and the pain of divorce. But because I trusted God, He gave me the strength to walk through those consequences.

God doesn't promise that life will be easy, even when we walk in obedience. In fact, Jesus told us it wouldn't. But he also promises that we will overcome . . . that we can do all things through Him.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33 NIV).

"For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need" (Philippians 4:13).

God taught me many things through these challenging times. I'd like to share some of those thoughts with you.

1. Accept welfare if you are in a situation in which there is no other way, but do so with the mindset that welfare is a temporary solution.





2. Learn creative ways to make the most of your food supplies, giving your family a variety of healthy meals.





3. View making your food and money stretch as a fun challenge, rather than hopeless drudgery.





4. Take good care of what you have. The run-down house I lived in had a leaking roof, but I kept the house clean and painted (when the paint was donated to me). I made good use of everything God gave me.
   
   

5. When it seems that there just isn't enough, regardless of all your creative stretching, trust God to make up the difference.
   
   "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19 KJV).





6. Take full advantage of training and job placement opportunities offered. Ask God to help you to make the right choices. And ask Him to help you discover your own special talents and gifts-with me, it was cake baking and decorating. Do all you can to develop and use those gifts.
   
   After Barnes Business College, I had enough experience to teach typing and computer skills to low income families. I volunteered and had the faith that good would come from my time spent teaching.
   
   "Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6).





7. Refuse to have a pity party. I once heard a preacher say, "Get off the pity potty and stop having a party for yourself; get involved in someone else's life. Don't be afraid to love-it always returns one-hundred fold." When you start feeling sorry for yourself, look around. Find someone you can encourage. Reach out to them in love and help them in any way you can.
   
   I kept busy in the church. I believe that keeping busy and helping others kept my mind from wandering and saying "poor me." I was able to start a clothing bank that eventually became a full-time ministry of food, clothing, shelter and counseling in that church.
   
   Another positive thing I did during this time was to create a family cookbook. Since I did not have a typewriter, every month when I got my welfare check I made out a money order to pay a typist $12 to type the recipes. Then I asked my sister Savannah to help me, and she did most of the work at no cost to me. The final product was not very professional, but it was fun to have favorite recipes from the whole family together in one book.





8. Don't let pride stop you from accepting blessings God provides to you through other people. The clothing bank got started because I would always say yes to a bag of free clothing. People, as if prompted by the Holy Spirit, would offer me bags of clothes. I would go through and take what I thought we needed; then I stored the rest in a back room of my house. I never bought clothes for my kids; God supplied in abundance. I had at least thirty bags of clothing in different sizes and colors. God met all my needs, even the little ones. One time I needed underwear, but was not about to give the pastor a prayer request for my underwear needs. No more than a week later, a lady I didn't even know brought me a bag of clothing. When I opened the bag, I found three pairs of new undies, a perfect fit! God knows our needs, and as we faithfully trust Him, He will supply.





9. No matter how busy you may be, make time with God your priority. Use this time of need to grow closer to Him. Study your Bible and spend time talking to Him. As you learn to put Him first, everything else will fall into place.
   
   "So don't worry at all about having enough food and clothing. Why be like the heathen? For they take pride in all these things and are deeply concerned about them. But your heavenly Father already knows perfectly well that you need them, and he will give them to you if you give him first place in your life and live as he wants you to" (Matthew 6:31-33 TLB).





10. Never give up. Thank God for the provision He is giving you through the government at this time. Believe Him to help you work through this and move on to financial independence, always remembering that He is your provider. Your hope is in Jesus - and He has great plans for you.
    
    "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11).