Hopelessness overcame Peter like an ocean wave. He wanted to die and on 22nd March 1996 Peter started a police siege that lasted four and a half hours. Peter's story shows God's overflowing mercy, kindness and patience …
My life in summary
In my life I ended up suffering from anxiety and depression … just wanting to die, and feeling I had no reason to continue living.
To help you understand how I came to this point of hopelessness, here are some of the things that I had experienced in my life:
Rejection
Molestation and rape
Rebellion
Alcoholism
Sexual experimentation and soul bondages
Suffering anxiety and depression
Serious self-inflicted bodily harm
Suicide attempts
Total indecisiveness
Fear of being hurt, beaten, rejected and laughed at.
Being beaten
For the most part, I grew up in a very loving home except for those times when my father decided I needed a 'hiding'. It didn't matter to him how he did this; either with a belt or an electrical cable or he would just beat the living daylights out of me using his fists. If I fell to the ground too quickly, my father might even decide to kick me until he had had enough. My mother was a very gentle loving Mom who had strong Christian morals and was a firm Baptist. Unfortunately, she was no match for my Dad and could not stop him when he decided to 'let us have it'. Mom suffered an illness at a very young age and, as a result, was completely deaf. But she still managed to raise six children. She had five sons and one daughter. I was the third eldest. It was usually my second eldest brother or myself who bore the brunt of the punishment … whether we where the guilty ones or not … we usually copped it.
'Beware he that thinks he stands, lest he shall fall'
In 1996, I ran a business in South Africa selling motorcars and I really boasted about how successful I had become. Since then, I often think of the warning God gave us in His word, "Beware he that thinks he stands, lest he shall fall" (1 Corinthians 10:12). In a matter of months things went horribly wrong for me and I lost everything. Hit by depression, disappointment and hatred, I was trying to recover but I just couldn't get going again.
My good reputation coming to an end
At about 1.30 p.m. on 22nd March 1996, I walked into a bar in my hometown and started drinking until I was drunk. I always had my firearm with me. It was a .45 calibre Colt 1911 that was my pride and joy. It was a full race gun and boy; it was like the Rolls Royce of handguns for me. I did not go to the bar with the intention of causing any hassles but when the pawpaw hits the fan it hits it hard! At that point of time, I had been a member of the South African Police Reservist Corps for a couple of years. This was something I took great joy in, considering it was all voluntary work and I did not get paid for it. I had a very good reputation, but that was about to come to an abrupt end!
Alcohol … depression … firing my gun
By 7.30 p.m. at night, I had drunk a lot of alcohol and with liquor comes depression. Everything started catching up on me … I was feeling very sorry for myself and wanted to end my life. I remember saying to the guy sitting next to me that I was going to kill myself tonight. He sort of laughed at me. I pulled out my firearm to show him that I did indeed have a gun with me and that I was serious. Now, my firearm had a hairpin trigger on it, which made it very sensitive. I don't exactly know what happened but when I wanted to holster my firearm a shot went off. Immediately, the whole bar was absolutely quiet. It was like time had stopped.
Getting in deeper and deeper
In a flash, I jumped up with my firearm in hand. I still don't know why I reacted this way. I immediately told everyone to 'shut up' and to listen to me. Someone moved and I fired another shot. Everybody was deadly silent. By the time I came to my senses, I realized what had happened and I knew I had to act fast. I knew the police would be coming and they would be arriving soon. After all, these were the police I had been working with for four years.
Bringing about a hostage situation
Since the only thing I wanted to do was to take my own life, I decided on a stand off with the police and maybe a shootout would occur and in that way my life could end. I had always told everybody that if I ever died while in the line of duty I would be the happiest guy alive. This situation was close enough for me! Nobody dared to talk, either to me or to each other. There were about 36 people involved and I knew that this was now a hostage drama, which meant the Task Force being called to the scene as well as Hostage Negotiations and Internal Stability. Boy, I had really done it this time! I was sure that I had finally got it right and my life would soon end.
The police called to the scene were my friends
The first policemen to enter into the building were very good friends of mine. When they saw it was me, standing with the gun in my hand ready to shoot, they immediately put their firearms down. They kept on asking me, "Clarkie, what's wrong?" All I could say was, "It is time for life to end. I have had enough and couldn't take anymore." The female constable asked me very nicely if I would let the hostages go and I surprisingly said 'yes' as she and her husband offered to stay as my hostages. They promised that they would not try to disarm me.
Wanting to be shot
The next minute a policeman burst through the door right in front of me and in a split second we were staring down each other's barrels. My friend shouted to him, "No! What the hell are you doing?" I could see that this poor policeman realized that he had made the mistake of his life. I said to him, "It is your choice mate … pull the trigger and do me a favour but just remember, I am taking you with me." For a second I could see fear in his eyes and then he slowly retreated and set his firearm down. I told him to get out and he did so without hesitating.
A desperate dangerous situation … still wanting to die
I could hear the sirens outside as the street was being cordoned of. Then I heard the familiar wailing sound of a siren that I knew belonged to the Special Task Force. I knew now that things were getting really serious, for that meant that snipers would be deployed. But I just didn't care. I wanted to die and that was that. Then one of the inspectors from Detective Branch that I had worked with so many times wanted to come in to talk to me. After a brief discussion, I agreed. He had to promise that he would not try to disarm me or I would shoot and shoot to kill.
A very sticky situation
The Inspector along with a Sergeant and my Commanding Officer who was a Captain appeared with their hands in the air and asked for permission to enter. I agreed. I was so tired and just wanted everything to end. They came in and tried to talk to me, but I would get worked up and fire another shot which would get everyone outside worked up. The Task Force had been deployed and the situation was getting very sticky. By this time my wife and relatives had also arrived on the scene but the people in charge would not let them enter into the building to come to me. The siege had been going on for about two and a half hours.
The four and a half hour siege was finally over
Inside, negotiations where not getting anywhere. I remember turning the firearm on myself twice, putting the nozzle against the side of my head but the shots didn't go off. Then I would turn the firearm away and fire again and the shot would ring out. I could see on my Captain's face. He feared for my life, as we all knew what action was required to be taken. Yet for some reason nothing happened. I can clearly remember the feeling I had. It was like my soul had already left my body and I was a camera on the wall. I could see everything that was happening around me, inside and outside. I don't know how that works but that is what I experienced. This whole stand off carried on for just over 4 and a half hours and finally at about 11.35 p.m. that evening I gave in and put my firearm down. They had managed to wear me down knowing that, no matter how dangerous the situation; the alcohol would wear me out.
Six times the order to 'take me out' was given
By this time I had fired about 17 shots and I had caused R12 500 worth of damage. (R stands for South African Rands. This amount was equivalent to about US $ 3 500 at the time.) Everybody was relieved and I was disappointed as I couldn't even get the police to take my life and that was all I wanted. After negotiations between the officers in charge, I was taken to a mental clinic to be held for observation. Afterwards I found out that the officer in charge of the snipers had given the order on six occasions to 'take me out'. But every time they had me in their sights He would tell them to stand down until I would fire another shot and he would give the order again. But every time the order was given I was no longer in sight and every time I was in sight, the order was given to stand down.
Angry … sick of life and of being hurt
I paid the damage to the bar and waited for trial. It took three years before I would be given a result. I knew I was on my way to jail and for a very long time. I did not repent from my ways for at least another year and half or so. In this time I got separated from my wife and really did not worry about life, still believing I had nothing to live for and just wanting to die. I was angry at life and the way it treated me. I was sick and tired of getting hurt and not being able to make a success of life. I could not forgive myself for what I had done. I had always mostly been on the right side of the law, except when I was found guilty of driving under the influence of alcohol back in 1987. I had come to a point where I wanted to know nothing about God. I would say God doesn't exist; the bible was a hoax and so on. However, I didn't realise how many people were praying for me.
A miraculous change
I was still awaiting trial in August of 1997. I had not yet appeared in court on any charges or to plead and all that had happened was the State had asked for postponement for further investigations. But the investigating Detective Sergeant was a woman out on a mission. She had clearly indicated her intentions to throw the book at me. In this month of August a miraculous change came occurred in my life when I was finally 'born again'. I was later divorced and after a couple of months met my present wife in church. After about a year we got married and I finally found a new and lasting happiness in Jesus and in my wife.
God answers prayers
God spoke to us both through visions and scripture and I was so very fortunate to have someone I could share the bible with. But I still had the court case hanging over my head. I prayed continuously that God would have mercy on me. Then after three years of waiting, something finally happened. I landed up in court but this time as a changed man with a new outlook on life. I didn't know what my fate would be. We came into court and I know that I was very calm, trusting God for everything coming my way. And did God have a surprise in store for me! When we stood up for my case the state withdrew all charges against me and my case was withdrawn. I knew that God had answered all our prayers.
Thank you … thank you!
I walked out of court free, free to do what God wanted me to do. God wants me to reach out to others and try to help them through my experiences in life ... to encourage them to put their faith in the same faithful God who moved mountains for me. I believe that God will give me the opportunity to help others. All I can say is, "Thank you Lord Jesus and I declare myself willing to do your work as you require Lord."
Ask and receive
I hope my testimony will touch someone out there … someone who might be in a similar situation to me or someone who needs to once again realize that God is true to His Word and will never forsake you. If we ask God the Father in the Name of Jesus Christ, His Son, He will answer as long as it is according to His Will and not a selfish wish of ours.
God bless you in the name of Jesus Christ His son,
Peter
"And there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1).
"Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laiden and over burdened, and I will cause you to rest ..." (Matthew 11:28).
If you like to contact Peter, email us at changinglives74@yahoo.com.au and address your email to Peter (1). FIVE OF PETER'S POEMS
I was a loner beaten to the ground
I tried to live with all hell around
Yes, all and all I tried to do
What I thought best to pull me through
More and more I drank my wine
And was always first in the party line
But little did I know what lies ahead
What would make me yearn, at death's bed
For as I left the party scene
I never noticed the speeding queen
And although I cannot recall
What happened to me at all
I could clearly remember each time
I ignored ... God's pleading call
And now? I'm standing before a gate Oh no! ... it's hell!
But now it's too late
For my life I have run
And left so many things undone
My price ... I now have to pay
For when God called ...
I turned, and walked away
I know if I had continued to reject the free gift of life that Jesus offered I would have had to pay the price for my sin and rebellion when I died. I urge you to reach out and make Jesus your Lord because He suffered and died for your sins on the cross, sacrificing Himself for you … paying the price for you.
I look at the dawning of a new day
And the sun yawning with array
I listen to the birds awakening
And I know the heavens are shaking
For life to this day has come
And another race for us has begun
There'll be more murders, rapes and other victims
And no-one there to support them
Police will be short as usual
And their hands tied as defusal
Criminals will again think they've won
And that they are really on a victory run
But somewhere up yonder
There is a God, should you wonder
And there comes a day that all will surrender
Unto the mighty throne of our defender
There justice will be done
And fate will escape no-one
Punishment severely will be laid
And all unrighteousness will be slain
So for now we'll trust in God who will lead the way
And will never ever lead us astray
While the world carries on it's way
We'll just wait for that glorious day
Whatever we do on this little earth, there is no escaping. One day we will all answer for everything we do, no matter how big or small. There is no escaping the judgment throne of the Lord our God. (Based on Romans 14:11.)
Do I know you Jesus?
Do I know you at all?
I must know you Lord Jesus
For you always answer my calls
If it be day or night, early or late
Not hearing from you was never my fate
Your voice so clear and to me very dear
Would guide and lead me with no fear
When I lived the life of sin
In this world I'm living in
And your voice to me did call
I remember happiness and joy
That filled my heart to never again let me fall
Now I shall live a life of blessing
A life that never again will be depressing
And though trials and all may come
My life again will never come undone
For on the rock of ages
I now build my life
Moving through different stages
And all obstacles, my happiness, will not deprive
