Although Nita-Louise's family showered her with love and affection, she still somehow felt that no one loved her. She started looking for attention in the wrong places and finally ran away from the people who cared for her the most. In the process of running, Nita-Louise eventually ran into the loving arms of her heavenly Father.
My family showered me with love
I grew up in a Christian family where I receive anything my heart desired and was absolutely showered with the love and attention of my parents and sisters. While I was taught the basic norms and values, I also had the freedom of making my own choices and decisions. My parents strongly believed that every person should live their own life and make their own choices, and that they couldn't live our lives for us.
We must all stand before God one day
I have to stand before God one day and I will be accountable for the decisions I made, not my parents. My parents did however tell us when they disagreed with a decision we made and they were always there when something went wrong to pick us up and support us. God blessed me with the best family any person could ever ask for and I love them so much it hurts!
Believing the lies
I have a twin sister and having a twin is one of the greatest privileges anyone can have because as you grow up you have a "best friend" to share your whole life with. On the other hand it can be difficult because it is easy for people to compare you against each other. Although my family and my parents treated both my sister and me as individuals and never compared us, I let a couple of remarks throughout my life affect me. I let these comments convince me that I was the ugly, fat, terrible twin that no one loves me and that I deserve not to be loved by anyone. No matter how much love my family and friends gave me, I did not believe they really loved me or that anyone could for that matter.
Looking for attention in the wrong places
I began living my life by seeking attention in all the wrong places. I started relationships with people even though I knew they would never work. I knew from the beginning that I would be rejected in these relationships but this made the rejection easier as I knew the outcome of the relationship beforehand.
Running from the people who loved me!
Since I finished school and Varsity I wanted to go to London but for some reason I delayed.. After two years of working and living a life of self-destruction, I decided to go to London to get my own life away from the people who loved me the most. (I suppose this does sound strange but in my mind I wanted to live my own life. I knew that the people who loved me would somehow stop me doing the things that would hurt me.)
Looking for my so-called 'freedom'
I wanted to be free to do as I please without anyone looking over my shoulder or telling me what I do is wrong. I did not come to London for the money. I just wanted to run away! I needed space and my own life and my own identity so I made the decision to move to London.
Finding encouragement
Before leaving, I started surfing the Internet for websites where I could find some information on South Africans living in London. I found a website which some people had created to update their family and friends on their life and adventures in London. I made contact with a wonderful person whose name was Hannerie. She started e-mailing me about life in London. When I arrived in London she invited me to join their home group that studied the bible and talked about God.
My heart needed to be won
I believe God made all the stuff first-timers in London struggle with easy for me. These things included finding a job, having a nice house with nice people and getting a bank account. God did these things for me because He knew that He would have to win my heart.
Fearing rejection
In my second week in London I went to the home group where I met Hannerie. These people showered me with love, attention and friendship. I thought these people were just being extremely nice to me because they had pity for a loser like me. In my heart, I really felt unworthy of being there and I feared the rejection that I thought would definitely come once they got to know me and things I had done in my life. However, for some reason I just kept going back.
Could God ever forgive me?
I wanted to change my life but I feared that God would never accept someone like me who had only ever given him a broken heart. I hated myself for the decisions I had made and for the life I lived and I felt there is no way that God could ever love someone as filthy, ugly, fat and bad-hearted as I was. I could not forgive myself so how could God ever forgive me.
Can God mend a broken heart?
Then one Sunday in church the Pastor spoke about healing. I became so cross with God and started shouting in my heart. I said to God, "Why can He make the blind see and heal the person in the wheelchair but my broken heart He couldn't heal?" I felt it was so unfair and I just left the church so sad and broken.
Confessing all things to God
I was always carrying all this painful baggage around with me. I felt the hurt deep inside and I felt too tired to struggle so when our home cell leader Nella spoke about confession I knew I had to speak to God before I left the room. I had to speak to God and tell him what I had done with my life and I confessed for the first time all the sinful things I had done and I asked God to accept me. I begged Him to love me.
God took away the pain in one second
I started reading a book about being set free from your past and started to realize why there was so much pain in my heart. So, while I lay alone in my bed, I asked God to please heal me and to take away what is hurting in my heart. In one second my pain was gone just because I asked. So easy hey? I just asked! I was open for healing and I was just too tired to carry on alone. I am now a new person and I know God loves me and thinks I am beautiful. For the first time I just wish I could open my heart to people so they can see what is inside.
Thank you for loving me!
God is not just a short-term solution for me - He is my life! The devil already started working on my weakest spots but I will never let him win.With God in my life and in my heart, the devil doesn't stand a chance! I am going home to South Africa for my twin sister's wedding and I can't wait to see my parents and the rest of my family. I want to thank them for believing in me, loving me, and not giving up on me and for letting me go so I could run away, straight into God's arms!
