After the death of her husband Kelly experienced a roller coaster of emotions … deep grief, loneliness, wanting her husband back and feelings of isolation. But Jesus has a way of turning tears of pain in joy …
A time of loss
When my husband (Rich) died, we lost everything ... the house, the rental property, the business and three cars. It goes without saying I lost "my head" and my best friend! I lost my status as a wife! I believe if it were not for the fact that God Himself is the Author and Perfector of my faith, I well may have lost my faith too! My children and I moved to be nearer to my immediate family; thus, we lost our church and all our home-school ties! Truthfully, at this point (nearly five years later) we have lost almost all our friendships, as time and busy barriers thwart the best of intentions on both parts! We lost a lifestyle of me being a stay-at-home mom, though I always babysat or made money from home.
Struggling under the weight
In all of this adjustment and loss, I on the outside kept pressing on, and I must say in a very core place (my spirit I would believe) I knew it would all be "okay", but I tell you my soul was beyond grief! There came a day towards the first week of December, when I think the only person who knew I was 'going to make it' one step or take one more breath was Jesus! No, I had no thoughts of taking my own life; I just simply thought I was going to die from the sheer pain of it all! As I drove my son to boy scouts I begged God to take emergency action. I ducked into a prayer meeting at a new church we were attending! I prayed "please send me someone I might help and encourage and to please not to have me be anywhere near my own pain." I thought if I cried anymore I would possibly die from salt deprivation! I prayed that there would be 'tons' of people at this prayer meeting so that I could hide! I was very tired of meeting new people and reliving my whole situation in conversation.
Please give me Rich back!
To my acute disappointment, the prayer group was a total of about nine people and two of them were pastors who I had barely met! Sitting still was a chance to know God is who He says He is … powerful and full of mercy. I had difficulty praying even to myself and my prayers were simply a chant of "Please give me Rich back" … "Please give me Rich back!" It was not logical, but still it was the only one thing I desired! When the prayer meeting closed, all I could think was how I was going to get through the evening … get the kids to bed etc so that I might be swallowed up by sleep where perhaps my body would go on 'auto-breathe'!
A woman who knew the pain of loss
After the prayer meeting a woman and her husband approached me and the woman said she could not help notice how hard I was crying! … "What?" I thought, "There was not one millidrop of tears on my face!" In a very falsetto voice, I announced that 'she was mistaken I must be coming down with a cold or something'. Angrily in my mind I explained to the Lord that this prayer group was the exact opposite of what I had asked Him for! The woman went on to say, 'this time of year is hard for many people, especially if they have recently lost a loved one, and asked if that was perhaps my pain'! As my chin was hanging on the carpet of the sanctuary, I was speechless! She spoke as though she was reading my mind and went on to say that this would be their second Christmas without their daughter who was two when she died. I whispered, "What was your daughter's name?" She replied, "ROSE"!
Praying brought release
Out of my mouth came an offer that I might pray for them! I felt like I was standing as an onlooker to this whole scene! I wanted to detach; the depression engulfed me like an octopus as big as Ohio! I prayed, and all three of our faces were wet with tears. The prayer was beautiful … it was just what I would have wanted someone to pray for me. It was what the Holy Spirit prayed for the three of us. She and her husband were so grateful and explained that in the whole two years since their baby was called home to Heaven, no one had been able to pray for them in that manner or to understand them that intimately.
Another rose
I however, felt one hundred percent 'spent', 'done', and 'alone'. I felt fear that one of my children would die and was propelled into feelings of despair. On the way home I needed to do was stop at the boy scouts and pick up my son. "Please Lord let my son be ready to go right away!" But when arrived the scout leader found some seemingly insignificant chores for my son to do. I was waiting, waiting, and growing almost faint with impatience. All the other families were picking up their sons just fine, and heading on their merry way! When my son was the only one left, this kind man said he knew we were in a position of making our Christmas gifts, and he had something to show me that might be of interest to me. Inside I was screaming, "Are you insane? I cannot be creative right now. Can't you see I am dying here?" I have to say he pressed right on in a very "jolly" manner! He proceeded to show me a rose made out of Hershey kisses (my husbands very favorite) wrapped in red foil and on floral wire! I am sure at the time this man did not quite understand my reaction, but it was all I could do to fake a slight "thank you" and run out of the door! My emotions were in such a swirl at this point … I was in the brink of insanity! I pictured myself eating grass in a field with fingernails growing for seven years!
Jesus … the comforter
I robotically fixed the children's dinner and explained to them that I thought I was getting sick and that I needed to have some quiet time before bed, and that bedtime was going to be early! I intentionally went on the computer thinking I might escape and just "veg" for a while! I wanted to put the events that had lapsed in the last hour right out of my mind. Upon opening my email, I realize that this same scout leader had sent me an email! It was about a woman whose husband had passed away. It was the first anniversary of the death of her husband and she was very lonely and missing him so desperately, that she intentionally went to the grocery store to occupy herself. In the store she found herself encouraging to a young mother with a fussy toddler. All of that accomplished, she pressed on and bought a couple of things she did not need. When she arrived at the register the young mother she had helped, had the clerk give her one dozen yellow roses she had purchased to thank her. The older woman's husband had, from their dating years, without fail, presented her with a dozen roses on their anniversary, every anniversary! And not just any roses, but a dozen yellow roses! This would have been her first year, in nearly fifty, that she would not have gotten them had not this woman bought them for her. She recognized this was Jesus who was comforting her.
The cooling refreshing water that Jesus sends
By this time I was now over my limit! I kissed the kids goodnight and ran to my bedroom telling them not to be afraid but that mommy was just having a really sad day! I lied and said I would probably feel much better with a good night's sleep! I sobbed into the mattress. "Lord, why … why … why all the roses tonight? Why hurt me more than I am already hurting? I hate, hate, hate roses Lord! I hate their smell and that they are everywhere. I hate them because they are each unique and fragile! I really hate them because that they die!" I cried for a good solid hour. I cried out to the Lord that I was "losing it" and please could He help me calm down. I reached for one of my favorite devotionals … "Streams in the Dessert" by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman! The following passage was that day's devotional.
"E'vn for the dead I will not bind my soul to grief;
Death cannot long divide.
For is it not as though,
the rose which climbed my garden wall
has blossomed on the other side?
Death doth hide, But not divide;
Thou art but on Christ's other side!
Thou art with Christ, and Christ with me;
In Christ united still are we."
One cannot help but to break into song, many songs, tons of good rich hymns … oh Lord, my God, when I in awesome wonder consider all the works thy hands have made!
