Jeff was responsible for domestic violence. He thought people who hit their wives would be bikies or big truck-drivers covered in tattoos. But Jeff turned out to be very wrong in regards to this matter ...
Memories of my childhood
The memories of my childhood are mostly happy ones. Although you couldn't say I had a Christian upbringing, my parents believed God existed … He was up there and we were down here … just do the right thing and mind your own business. I suppose my father's only vice was his drinking, which was a problem for my parent's marriage more than anything else. My father was not an abusive drunk, but I remember watching him falling asleep in the armchair every night after drowning his soul in his daily amber fluid. After a certain time of the night, you just knew not to bother trying to talk sense to him. Mum didn't like it, but she played the game and like kids do, I just thought all families were like mine.
Just waiting to be told good news
I received Jesus as my personal Saviour at a Scripture Union camp at the age of 14 and it was a very deep and lasting commitment. My parents were like me; just waiting for someone to tell them about the Good News that Jesus died for their sins, and so their conversions soon followed. Dad gave up the bottle and he and Mum tried to learn a new way of relating to each other after so many years of co-dependency.
A dream
Jane had been the 'apple of my eye' since I met her at the age of fifteen at another Scripture Union camp. It was not love at first sight for her, but after about six years of friendship she came around to the idea and we were soon engaged. I remember having a dream at that time that she was afraid I might hit her if I ever became angry enough with her. The dream was so real to me that I asked her about it and whether she did ever have this kind of fear. When she told me she did, I remember saying that 'I thought wife bashers were the lowest scum, and that if I ever became one I would have to kill myself'.
Wrong attitudes lingered
Married life brought its challenges, and I soon learnt just how much my mother had previously been doing around the house for dad and I. I had adopted my father's attitude that the man was the lord of the household; only I had learnt to spiritualise and justify it with scriptures from the bible. I can remember feeling very confronted by the concept that I was married even trapped at times. I believed that I was the head and so I had better be in control of my wife and see that she behaved as a proper Christian should. I was starting to realise that maybe I couldn't do that. I was desperate for that sense of control … I had convinced myself that this control was the right way.
Learning the art of intimidation
We had bought a small business on the first day back from our honeymoon, and the stress was incredible. We worked together every day, and went home to more relational stress every night. I was very bossy and insisted on being the manager of the business and making all of the big decisions. Jane became powerless. I could be very insulting when I wanted to convince her that something was right, and I learned to be intimidating when I needed to be. There was probably always an unspoken threat of violence, but I will never forget the first time I hit her on the arm. It was just light, but it was enough to cross the line and to assert myself in this new way which would become for me a life-controlling habit.
Out of control!
We were very active in our church. I was a liturgical assistant, I was on the parish council, and I believed that one day I would study to become a priest. We were active youth leaders, and had even gone overseas on a short-term mission to the Philippines with another church. God had used us mightily, but back at home I was a different man. A man who would hold, slap and shake his wife in order to control her. Unfortunately, I was actually the one out of control.
A turning point
After things became entrenched, we decided to seek counselling from our parish priest, but he did little to help us. He merely added condemnation to the situation, but without any direction for change. After trying a few other people who we thought could help us, we began to lose hope. We had begun going to a church where they were sure that responding to an altar call could fix anything if you had faith. I had plenty of faith and so I resigned to the fact that as we prayed, things would get better. Finally one day Jane and I had a big fight at work, and I threw a potato at her. Fortunately it missed her head and hit the wall very hard. It was a turning point.
My wife leaving me
I will never forget returning home that day to find an empty home; no Jane, just a note saying that she had had enough and that the terms of our relationship were no longer acceptable. I tore it up and thought to myself, "She'll be back. She's left me before, but she came back." I was sorry for what I had done. Deeply sorry for what I had become, but it was not a remorse, which would lead to change immediately. I cried myself to sleep that night, and I guess I just wanted to get on with the pursuit phase, and the "buy-back" which we had learnt.
Things had changed
I was not to know that Jane had found real friends, some good advice, somewhere to stay, and the contacts that she needed to "make the break." She had a secret escape fund saved up in readiness and had planned ahead what she would do and where she would go. The terms of our relationship had changed and it took me a long time to realise that I was going to have to change too if I wanted her back.
A determined wife
I am one of the very few blessed individuals whose partner still held hope that he could change … and this was not just a blind hope. My wife was determined not to come back until she saw real change in me. After a while we went for counselling with a pastor who took my side, saying that it was a sin for my wife to leave me. Fortunately, my wife did not 'buy' it, and she insisted that she was not prepared to entertain reconciliation without me attending a Life Line course, and achieving some results. The Pastor told me I had nothing to lose by agreeing to go on the course, but I had agreed with her before, and then gone back on my word. This time I really did enroll.
What does a wife abuser look like?
It's a frightening thing to sign up for a violent men's group. I imagined that the room would be filled with bikies and big truck-drivers covered in tattoos. I imagined that they would take one look at me and say, "what are you doing here you little weed? Let's get him!" But I had merely bought into society's stereotype of what an abuser ought to look like … maybe you have too. Instead, the men who attended were a classic cross-section of society consisting of all kinds of men from all walks of life.
The hard work is worth it
After this thirteen-week course, Jane and I met many times in public places like cafes. Bit by bit, she would learn to trust me again as I grew in my new stability. There were a few slip-ups here and there, but no more physical violence. 'Relationships Australia' was a real help to us as we rebuilt our relationship over months of counselling. It was hard work, but worth it.
A new marriage
I believe that God has given us a new marriage rather than restoring our old marriage. When we moved back in together, we made new vows to each other … ones that emphasised our partnership and equality as two mature decision-making adults. Perhaps for the first time, we both really were.
Helping others
We have been reconciled for nearly nine years now. Our relationship has turned 180 degrees and we are much closer and more intimate than before. We have even found enough stability and confidence to start a family, which we did two years ago. Our relationship with God has also grown over the years, and we now serve Him in another church in different positions of leadership. I have been working as a pastor for several years and I am passionate about seeing people restored to all that God intended them to be. I am committed to helping abusers and their victims to escape from the cycle of violence which once held me prisoner for so long. In my role as pastor, I began meeting up with people who had problems like my own, and I knew that I had to respond to their needs. Little by little, I was entrusted with counselling individuals who were struggling with domestic violence. I now facilitate a group like the one, which I attended at 'Life Line', and have been blessed to see many lives turned around for the better.
Three Keys
I firmly believe that my life has been turned around because of three things. Firstly, the group taught me that I could be in control again when I learned to control myself. It taught me the techniques, which I was not born with, and was not exposed to along the way. It gave me the tools, which I lacked to deal with my anger, and helped me to feel good about using them. Secondly, I would never have found change if it was not for my wife's decision to expose me to the consequences of my actions. She was assertive with me and would not settle for abuse any longer. She was prepared to wait until she saw a real change before reconciliation was mentioned. Thirdly, by God's grace, and with a whole lot of marriage counselling, God gave me a second chance at my marriage, which I did not deserve.
Having to face the consequences
If I have learnt one thing about domestic violence, it is that abusive men do not change until they are forced to face the natural consequences of their behaviour. Thankfully, I was forced to face mine.
"A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again" (Proverbs 19:19).
I was blessed with a second chance. I thank God I was. I did not deserve it.
Jeff
