How it began – the death of my grandma (1970)

It began when my grandma died, in 1970. (Wow! Has it been that long ago?) I remember being very angry over her sudden death mostly I think because I felt guilty for not visiting her more often.

After her death, I stormed into her bedroom and shook my fist at the crucifix she had on the wall and I told God that she, of all people, had better be in heaven. I went on to tell God in no uncertain terms which included some plain foul language what He could do with His heaven if grandma was not in heaven.

I hated ‘death’ and felt helpless because it had a devastating effect on the people it left behind. I hated God for the death of my grandma. Although I did feel some remorse knowing that I shouldn't have really sworn at and blamed God.

Slamming the door (1972)

A priest of my old Catholic church threatened me with excommunication if I didn’t start attending church and donating more. I told him in very clear terms what he could go and do with himself, his church and his god. I slammed the door behind me as hard as I could. I walked out, excommunicating myself.

Hating my father (1976)

I had hated my father with a passion - probably to the point of murder! I just couldn't stand him. He seemed so set in his ways and we always argued. I did not fit into his mould. Inwardly I was starved for his love and hungered for his approval. I always felt that I had failed to live up to his standards.

Later I realized that it wasn't so much him as it was me who caused the communication gap between us. His expectations of me were no more than a normal father would expect of his son. But at the time I was rebellious and I hated my father because of what he represented over me - power and authority!

Feeling compassion for my father

Then one day I overheard a conversation my father was having with a friend. He talked of the Great Depression and how poor his family with ten children was. He had to wear socks handed down to him from his older brother. (He, with half a laugh, called them his ‘holey baseball socks’.)

He also spoke of the total embarrassment of having to be forced by the school nurse to take off his socks and then being laughed at by the rest of the children.  My father grabbed his shoes and socks and ran out of school that day and soon afterwards he never went back. Because of my long standing feelings of hatred for him, I tried to fight feeling sorry for him.

Maybe I was to blame?

The more I thought about it, the more I began to admit that maybe, just maybe I was the one who was wrong all along. Wow! This kind of admission was new and frightening to me, yet I could not shake it off. The commandment of my ‘not honoring my father and my mother’ suddenly became very clear to me like it had been nailed on the wall right in front of me.

I was the one to blame!

It was a ‘small voice’ in my head, who pointed out these things. The voice kept speaking to me, and to my surprise, I kept on listening, until it finally broke through, and I knew right then and there that I needed to humble myself and admit that I was wrong about my Dad. Was I ever in a state of shock!

“And when He [The Holy Spirit] comes, He will convict the world of ... sin” (John 16:8).

Picking up a Bible

It was during this time that I was led one evening to pick up the Bible and read it. When I reached the part where Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, crying out to the Father, I stopped. Jesus said; "Not my will, Father, but Yours be done!" I re-read those verses over and over again.

Now I see – Jesus died for me!

Then, suddenly, it all began to unfold before me, like a butterfly spreading out its wings. I saw it!  Now I know why Jesus was in an agony of his soul in the garden. It was because He was about to do the Father’s will and go to the cross! And the reason He was going there was … was ... for me! He’s doing this for me! Now I see. Now I know. Now I understand!

My Bible wet with my tears

In my mind, I am sitting in an amphitheater, and only feet away from me the scene in the book of Matthew 26, which was being played out in magnificent splendor right before my very eyes. Oh, I cannot take it! I cannot take such love and mercy for me as I see here! The tears were pouring out of my eyes and onto the pages of the Gospel of Matthew.

But this in no way blurred the view of Him who loves me with a love I could even comprehend. Jesus gave Himself to the cross for the likes of me ... me???  Me, of all people! Jesus did all this to forgive me my sins! I could not put down that Bible, and I cried so much for so long. I thanked Him over and over again.

On reflection – the old man died and the new man came alive

And after 34 years of reflection, I now clearly understand what it was that happened to me. When I experienced God pouring out His Love for Christ in me, is when I (i.e. the old man, who was always without Christ) died and was buried with Christ. (John 8:51)  Out of this, out of God's profound love, a new man came to life, a new creation.

Now this new life that I am now living is one that I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me. Where before the old "I" was powerless to stop sinning, now in the new "I" (the new man) is the power through Christ to ... "Go and sin no more"!

“The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace” (Romans 6:10-14).

Jesus said; “You must be born again.”

"So this is what it's like to be ‘born again', as Jesus said in John 3:3!" Who can explain it? Now I know who Jesus is and what He's like! Now I know what it's like to be ‘filled to near bursting’ packed full of His perfect, pure love and filled with joy unspeakable and full of glory!
Faith in the crucified Jesus is the only way to the Father.

Now I knew why no one can come to the Father except through Christ and Him crucified. We must lay it all down before Jesus Christ! And to come to God through Christ is to come to the foot of the cross and die (lay it all down - give it all up - sell it all - forsake it all) just as He says.

"For our gospel came not unto you in word only, but also in power, and in the Holy Ghost, and in much assurance ..." (1Thessalonians 1:5).

On this rock, I make my confession: "You are the Christ, the son of the living God!"

May you build your life on the unchangeable rock of Jesus Christ,

Biff

“What does it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul?” (video clip)

Come to know your Creator (animation)

The Reason (music video)