‘Discovering’ drinking, partying and casual relationships

I was born and raised in a loving, Christian home.  My parents loved the Lord and while growing up, we had nightly devotions and prayer, morning prayer, Family Bible Studies every Sunday evening. I was baptized, confirmed, and attended Sunday School every year as well as Vacation Bible School every summer I attended Bible Camp. Academically, I was a good student, but a shy one.  In college, I discovered what I thought was the answer; drinking and partying found me a lot of ‘friends’.  I was promiscuous and was enjoying branching out and becoming fun and popular.  I know you can't serve two masters, but from College up until recently I sure thought I could.

Ignoring God

I was probably an alcoholic since I first started drinking at the age of 18.  That didn't stop me, however, from graduating law school, getting married to a wonderful man, having three beautiful daughters (ages 18 months, 8 years and 10 years) and a wonderful job as in-house counsel. God was truly taking care of me even though I was ignoring Him.

Not being the mother I should have been

But what did alcohol give me?  Two stints in rehab, three DUIs, two seized cars, very much in debt, and most disturbing to me, much heartache, sadness and sleepless nights for my parents, siblings and husband.  My precious daughters didn't have a mother 100 percent there for them in their tender young ages.  My ten year old is mentally disabled (or as I prefer to say, "differently-abled") and so needed a Mom to love her up and help her grow.  I am so thankful that by turning my life around now, it is not too late for all of my girls to have the kind of mother they so much deserve to have.

Depressed and anxious

A short while ago I discovered that I suffered from severe depression and high anxiety; probably going back to my high school years.  The depression was only enhanced after each pregnancy.  This was discovered after I relapsed last November and family members brought me into a detox center.  A very kind doctor ordered many tests for me, consulted a psychologist and case worker and came up with the diagnosis.  I was put on medication that helped tremendously, but for reasons I won't get into right now, I quit taking it, relapsed again and in June 2010 I was pulled over for my third DUI.

Crying out in repentance for a sinful life

I have never been so scared in my life.  As hard as it is to admit, I know it had to happen for me to open up my heart to the Spirit and re-dedicate my life to Christ.  Early on the morning of June 30 2010, I was sitting by myself in a quiet house doing something on the computer before work.  It dawned on me right then and there that I should be using that time to focus on God before the start of my day.  I bowed my head and prayed a prayer unlike any I have prayed before.  I cried for repentance for all of my sins and for the sinful life I have led; especially in the last 23 years.  I begged God to take over my life and told Him how much I wanted to be a light for Him; reaching out to those who have been afflicted with addiction and wandered away from Him as I have done for so long.

Facing a court appearance

My first court appearance for this third DUI is coming up August 11.  I know I should cast all of my cares and worries on Christ.  But like Peter walking on the water, I find myself sinking all the more the closer this date comes.  To make matters worse, when I went to pick up my personal belongings out of my car I discovered the right passenger side was smashed in.  My Dad said it looked like I had hit a pole.  However, the arresting officer called me and said there was a hit and run that same night I was pulled over.  He said the signs suggest that it may have been my car but it may not have.  It was just suspect that my car sustained that damage.  Praise God that I did not injure or kill anyone else, nor did I have a scratch on me.

Desperately needing a normal life

It tore my heart out that just as things were becoming ‘normal’ for my family and I (spiritually and mentally) and the walls between us were being be broken down, I may be facing an extended time away from them, lose my job (with the medical benefits which we so desperately need; especially for my mentally challenged daughter who has epilepsy as well) and confuse them even more on why Mommy isn't at home.

Healing relationships with a husband

After this last incident and more broken promises, my husband wanted to divorce me and take the girls with him.  He was consulting an attorney and getting the paper work in order.  I prayed hard for God to soften his heart and miraculously, He did.  Despite the trials we are now facing, we really haven't been as close and dependant on each other and to God as we are now.  Our family is praying together and having daily devotions together.  I know God is already using what I've gone through for our family's spiritual healing and growth.

Healing relationships with parents

Also, I have broken my parents' hearts more than I can count.  They are in their mid-seventies and my lifestyle and ‘drama’ were causing them immense mental and physical pain.  Finally, they were at the point where they were counseled to ‘wash their hands of me’.  Yet, through God's strength they never could.  They are so supportive; giving me rides to and from work.  Through those rides I've come to have many wonderful conversations with them. It's also miraculous that God is using this trial to strengthen our parent-child bond. So again, I do see that God is using this for our good. God works good out of difficult situations for those who trust in Him.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:1).

Prayer is always needed

I know that God will never fail me no matter what the outcome may be. He hasn't given up on me in the past, nor will He now.  Of course, believing that is easier said than done, which is why I'm desperately seeking prayers of strength as my family and I go through this trying time (and beyond).

Repentance is essential … forgiveness is available

The Bible teaches us we need to repent, believe and be baptized.  The morning of June 30th I begged for forgiveness which was unlike any other prayer of repentance I had made previously.  I believe that God was/is telling me that all of my sins, including the sins of the past 23 years of my adult life that have constantly weighed me down and kept me from developing that personal relationship with Jesus Christ, have been forgiven.

God will never let you go

I'm still in awe over His forgiveness and praise Him every day.  The guilt and regret are still very much there for me, but having God in control, I'm experiencing peace that I've never felt before. What I want to do is to shout from the mountaintop that God is indeed a forgiving and loving God and no matter what we've done in our lives, He will never let us go.  Like the story of the prodigal son, He is always welcoming us back to His loving arms the moment we become contrite and ask for forgiveness.

“Thy will be done”

I pray every day that our Heavenly Father “takes this cup from me”.  But I know I need to follow it up with "Thy will be done".  However, that latter part is getting more difficult to say and I find my faith doubting Him again.  I know I have to “cast my cares upon Him”. And I know that there is no problem to big for God and He will not give me more than I can handle.  Unlike last time, when I wanted to avoid jail for me (being as incredibly selfish as my disease/addiction made me) I want to stay out of jail for my family.  I want to be there for them always.  I want to keep our family growing stronger in Christ and most of all, I want my past to be a ray of hope for others suffering similarly as I have.

Give thanks always

I hope this testimony inspires you.  I know I have to leave the outcome to God.  He says “knock and the door shall be opened to you.”  I ask for your prayers that I and my family have the strength and courage to face what we must. Pray that whatever the outcome, we can in everything rejoice and give thanks always.

Thank you kindly,

In Christ's Love,
Carolynn

Carolynn's amazing series of emails as she faced a DUI charge and possibly years in jail

“What does it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul?” (video clip)

Come to know your Creator (animation)

The Reason (music video)